Friday, May 29, 2015

Cowboy F'real

Hi All,

I know this might seem like I'm a total disaster, but I swear there are days when Geo and I just sit at home, or play at the play ground, or eat fruit until we burst at both ends. But I don't know if that makes compelling reading. So here's what happened today.

I left Geo at home reading. I swear he just does this normal stuff until I have to go out for a little while and then he starts acting like an escaped gorilla. So I left him reading, and I come home to a study full of water, and two pissed off farmers, and no Geo. I have no idea what happened in the room but I was able to reconstruct things a little based on what the farmers told me, and the fact that there was a cow pulling a water pump standing in the side yard.

It seems that Geo made a mess in the study trying to draw something. I found a bunch of wadded up paper under the six inches of standing water. (The farmers were nice enough to let me use the pump, since they were there anyway.) With the paper wad was a pen, and ink well, a funnel, a blotter, and the remains of a cardboard soap box. I'm guessing he tried to fill pen, made a mess, and then made a Katrina trying to clean it all up. There was also a shovel for God knows what reason. The garden hose was also sticking through the open window. That was really scary. I mean we don't live in a high crime area per se, but did you see In Cold Blood? freaky shit can happen out in the countryside.

Now, I don't know if Geo has some kind of spectrum disorder or what, but he seems to be in the habit of doing the most clever-stupid shit I've ever seen in someone his age. His solution to all this was to "borrow" this pump from the farm nearby. (I know right? Here we go again with me having to pay people off.) So while he's there he molests a goat somehow and frees an entire pen of pigs. I have no idea what either of these had to do with the pump. Then he ties the fucking thing to a cow and RIDES THE COW HOME! I cannot make this stuff up.

When the farmers saw all the pigs on the loose they started chasing Geo and the cow, but when they finally caught up Geo wasn't there. I'm not sure where he is, but I have to run a errand. I'm sure he's around somewhere. I'll be sure to update you when I find him.

I'm still T, AKA: The Dad with the Yellow Hat

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Movie Magic

So last week I told you that I was lining up something big for Geo. See, for a while I had been thinking that our story could be of interest to a wider audience. In this weblog I present things from my perspective and in the interest of cataloging my experiences as a parent, but I have long believed, really ever since I set of to meet Geo, that our story could be the kind of thing that people would want to see and read and cherish for generations. So I set off to pitch our tale to Hollywood. I had to learn to handle a lot of rejection. One studio wanted to actually portray Geo as an animal, and as much as I wanted the story told, I wasn't sure about that.

Finally, after hearing a lot of "nos" I got a call from a man named Clarence at ARK Productions. I think he said the did the soundtrack to the movie Friday, but I was totally clear on what he was saying. Clarence said that his company had had great success making short videos that had gone "viral" (I had to look that up to make sure it was a good thing), but that they were looking to expand into features. Even though I was hoping to go with a big studio like The Asylum or Michael Schlep, I liked ARK's pitch because they were excited about having Geo play himself, which is why I didn't want him to have a busted leg. But that's just the back story, the whole thing ended being much more of a production (see what I did there) than I anticipated.

So the monkeyshines began as I was on my way to pick up Geo at the hospital. This all happened a few weeks after the fall that broke Geo's leg. He was being discharged and the nurse who got him out of his cast just left him in the room for a while. So look, that's cool, I feel like Geo can take care of himself for a few minutes. Except Florence High-tengale left this inquisitive young being in the same room as an enormous open bottle of some kind of narcotic. (I think they said it was ether, but come on, what kind of lost in time hospital still has big bottles of ether? Do they get it of the back of a horse-drawn carriage from a fast talking huckster with a handle bar mustache? I bet they have a room where they're busy sawing the legs off of Civil War soldiers.) By the time I get there  Geo is some kind of narcotic coma. So I did what any father would do in an afternoon special, I threw his ass in a cold shower. It totally worked. I'm awesome at instinctual parenting. I'm also totally suing the hospital.

We left the hospital and went straight to the movie studio. They had Geo sign a contract, which was weird since he's a minor and is totally illiterate. I'll have to check into that.

After signing the contract they kept Geo pretty busy. It was a whirlwind couple of days, but ARK got things done much faster than I expected. In exchange for financing they even gave me a producers credit. It's pretty big time stuff. Geo really seemed to like acting. He was a natural and he knew what to do because he'd already lived it.

The premiere was a whole other headache. Geo got wrapped up in some kind of PTSD/Stockholm Syndrome and insisted that we invite everyone from the whole past few months of flaming fiasco to the event. So there we were with the Doorman and The Cook and the lady from the condo and the painters and the doctor and Nurse High-tengale, and of course the whole staff from the boarding facility whose ineptitude had caused all the drama in the first place. I will say, all they're skullduggery did help make the movie more interesting. Even so, I don't know that "Geo the Inquisitive" is bound for major success.

Maybe it would do better as a book.

Didn't know parenting would involve so man law suits: T, AKA The Dad with the Yellow Hat.

Friday, March 27, 2015

At Least it's Not Just Me

In a way this next thing that happened is a bit of a relief because it helps me realize that I'm not the only one who has a hard time with Geo. Still, this most recent incident was a bit harrowing.

As you may remember at the time of the fireman dungeon escapade I was looking into finding some kind of care situation for Geo. Well, I ended up sending him to a boarding facility where he could be with others more like himself, and could become more socialized. Honestly I also needed some time to catch my breath and figure out how I was going to juggle being a dad along with whatever else it is that I do. So Geo went off to this boarding facility and things were going well. At first.

So a few days ago I find out that Geo left the care facility on his own. (You will NOT believe how I had to find out either.) One night they went to do lights out and he wasn't there. They searched for the next couple days and found evidence that he was likely hiding out in a friend's room. But they didn't know that until later. What I don't understand is why they didn't lock the place down as soon as he was missing for a couple hours. I mean seriously, how hard could it have been to find him if he was just penned up with a buddy? What's their active shooter contingency, flooding the hallways and figuring "he can't get us all?"

Anyway, Geo somehow got off the grounds and tried to make his way back to my place. I figure he got hungry because the next thing we know for sure is he was found literally inside a giant pot of spaghetti. He had snuck in the back door of some Italian place and just gone to town on like eight pounds of pasta. The guy who found him (I'll call him "The Cook"), didn't call the cops or anything (of course), he just made Geo wash all the dishes in the place. This guy, The Cook, was so impressed with Geo's dish washing he did what anyone else would have in that situation, he sold Geo in to bondage.

Seriously. He takes Geo over to this apartment building and asks his buddy who's like a doorman or something if the guy needs any work done. Where's the Center for Missing and Exploited Children when you need them? Because I'm pretty sure this counts as both. (Understand that at this point no one has seen fit to inform me of any of this). So The Doorman is like, "Hell yeah! Let's have him wash windows." WINDOWS! They have little Geo like 75 stories up hanging off the side of a building with no safety equipment like he's King Kong or something. It's nuts!

So here's where it all come to a head. Geo decides "Forget this, I'm going inside." So he goes through the window of a room that's being painted. At this point, bless his little artistic heart, he decides to paint the whole room in some kind of funky jungle scene, including the ladders and the chairs and stuff. Sounds pretty wild right? Well the painters and the woman who owns the condo weren't too keen on it so they start chasing Geo. Then the Doorman/slaver starts chasing Geo. Next thing you know Geo is scampering down the fire escape. But of course it's one of those ones where there's like a 20 foot drop at the bottom and he's too little to work the ladder. So the kid jumps. So would you right? If you were trying to escape a mob and a life in chains? So he jumps and Theismanns his leg.

So how did I hear about all this? Did I get a call from the boarding place? Did I get a cal from the hospital? Did the police send someone to tell me they found Geo working for a slave ring? Nope. No. And uh-uh. I went down to the news stand to grab a paper and this ridiculous shit was on the front page. That's right, I found out that my little one was off campus and in the hospital from the fucking newspaper. Total fucking #SystemFail. Believe me, there will be a lot of legal shit coming out of this event. I am going scorched earth on everyone involved. Someone get me Odenkirk on the line! Geo can't be out of action, I've got a big thing lined up for him and he's gotta be mobile for it to work.

Always scanning the headlines, T, AKA: The Dad with the Yellow Hat

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

WTH??? Who Knew Firemen had a Dungeon????!!!

Seriously, WTF. I don't even know where to begin on this one.

So, the day after I got Geo home I knew I needed to make a few calls to see what I was going to do with him during the day. I know I might have done more research before getting Geo, and I did some, but it seemed kind of useless to invest the time until I knew I had him. Anyway, I made the call from my land line. (Don't laugh, it's super useful and besides my building isn't upgraded so I need the land line for my door buzzer. whatever, that's not the point OK?) So I made the calls and then I had to run out for a minute. And look you Maryland wackadoos, before you call CPS (like you even know where I live) I'm pretty sure that the state I live in doesn't have an age limit on when you can leave them alone, so chill. Besides, I was just going down to change the laundry, which is all the way in the basement, but I figured it would be OK. What's the worst that could happen? I certainly found out.

I guess Geo saw me using the phone, and it seem that he decided to try using it. He somehow managed to call the fire department. I didn't hear it because of the dryer, but I guess they came roaring in thinking it was a real fire. (Did I mention Geo doesn't speak English? I think that was part of the problem.) So what do these idiots do? Well let me ask you, if you found out it was simple mistake would you a) wait for the parent to come back and try to work it out, or b) destroy my office while chasing Geo around trying to catch him? Can you guess which one these firemen picked? I mean, do firemen even have arrest powers? Shouldn't they have called a cop? Or CPS? Or animal control? Or something? Who's ever heard of firemen taking someone down on their own?

But that's not even the worst part. Not only do these glorified EMTs take Geo with them, they LOCK HIM IN A FUCKING DUNGEON. Sorry, but I'm appalled. Why do firemen have a dungeon? I am def talking to a lawyer about this. There's no way this can be legal (Thanks Obama). Next we're going to learn that the mailman runs Gitmo.

Oh, but it gets better (worse), Geo was looking out the window, and this dude comes in to get him to stop. How's that for draconian? No looking out the window in fireman Gitmo. No siree Bob. So the dude is real fat and he tries to get on a bench to get Geo down and like falls over, and Geo runs out the open door. That's my boy!

So Geo escapes, but because he's so into new experiences he ends committing petty larceny on his way home. He stole a bunch of balloons. I don't think he'll do it again though because he ended up kind of flying away. There was gust of wind and he's pretty light, so he ended up in the middle of the street trying to control all these balloons. It was pretty hairy.

I was driving down to the fire station to get him (in my super cool topless ride), and happened to be in the intersection when Geo touched down. I was able to pay off the balloon man. I also got Geo to a care facility where they can keep an eye on him and he can be around a bunch of other little animals who can hopefully socialize him some.

The charges against Geo are still pending. I'm sure they'll be dismissed, but just having charges of misdemeanor mischief, felony assault, and a jail break on his record could haunt him. I dunno, this parenting thing might be more than I anticipated.

Until next time, I'm T, AKA The Dad with the Yellow Hat.

First Post


I'm T. Well, that's what I'll be going by here. I'm still uncertain about putting too much info out online. But I also wanted to share my experiences as a single dad, so here I am. In this post I hope to lay out a little bit about my past, and how I became a single dad to Geo. (I'm not going to use his real name either, I hope that's OK.) My story isn't tragic, or even sad. Geo isn't the product of divorce. I'm not a widower. It's much happier story.

A few years ago I realized that while I wasn't getting any younger I also wasn't feeling confident about meeting a partner and settling down. I knew I wanted a family, but for all the typical reasons (work, being fed up with the dating scene, etc) I just didn't know that I'd have the time to do all meeting and dating and falling love in time to really be the kind of young energetic dad I wanted to be. So I decided to adopt.

I'd had some friends who had done adoptions so I knew the kind of struggles that could entail. Luckily I found a region that was eager to facilitate a quick adoption. I don't want to share too much about where that was, but it was a poorer less developed part of the world. So much so that air travel there wasn't an option, so I went by ship.

When I arrived I found Geo happily playing in a tree. He was wary of me of course, but that's expected. To tell the truth I don't know if he'd ever seen a white person before. I had done some reading and I knew that I could get him to feel more comfortable if I left him something to play with and then sort of backed off and let him have some space. He seemed really into my hat, so I laid it down and let him check it out. Then I put him in a burlap sack and carried him back to the ship.

(I had some yahoo in a parenting chat group tell me this isn't how adoptions are supposed to work. She said this seemed more like a kidnapping and she was going to try to get the authorities to trace my IP address. Whatever lady. Trolls gonna troll I guess. I mean look, if someone wanted him I don't think he'd be out wandering the jungle unsupervised. Duh. Also I heard he was one of seven siblings who had faced homelessness and a house fire, so I'm totally doing this family a solid.)

Anyway, once I got Geo back to the ship I decided to let him explore a bit. I think parents these days are too over protective and I'm dead set on not being a helicopter parent. Besides, Geo is pretty mature. He's certainly older than most adoption cases, though I'm not sure of his exact age. Still, I think because he spent his early years isolated from the modern world he has this wonderful and playful innocence and naivete, this sense of wonder about the world that is just beautiful to see. For that kind of little one you have to let them have some freedom to get to know the world around them. Still, in this case it almost backfired. Geo was playing with some gulls and ended up falling overboard. We saw it right away, and Geo is a remarkably good swimmer for his age, whatever age that is, and he was able to tread water until we could get him back on board. He was cold and a little shaken up, but I gave him a hot meal and a pipe and he was right as rain. The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. Any time Geo got rambunctious I found that a little pull of this Indonesian pipe weed the sailors had got him settled pretty quickly. I'll have to see if I can find some here in the city.

I think that's a good place to stop for now. I think over the next few weeks I'll share more of my early days with Geo until I get caught up to present day. Thanks for reading and I'd love to hear from you in the comments.

-T, AKA: The Dad in the Yellow Hat